tha' wood

2003-03-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

Such nonsense you write of. blogger standstill? eulogy? no no no. shame shame shame. this is the 2nd coming of the blogger. I believe Nostradomis predicted its second coming right about now. WWJD?....................

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

2003-03-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

if i might write a eulogy to the blogger, then i might do it. but not now

2003-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

sorry guys i couldnt resist. after a long weeks work, another hard week coming up and too tired to go out i am amusing myself by searching for silly things. here is the cream of the crop of the search results for "natural boob"

natural boob is drunkenly indonesian
natural boob is young
natural boob is what i say
natural boob is over
natural boob is natural big boob
natural boob is mega boob by free boob gallery
natural boob is forbidden country
natural boob is well taken
natural boob is a professor here
natural boob is that okay

and, again, my personal favorite:

natural boob is as wet as your maternity bra

2003-03-21T19:54:00.000-05:00

some highlights from searching for "ass crack" on googlism.com

ass crack is also open
ass crack is gonna reach my head after i crap this one out
ass crack is pretty cool
ass crack is the new cleavage
ass crack is taking a shower with other girls
ass crack is not a good look on anybody
ass crack is not for folding paper airplanes
ass crack is very normal
ass crack is way safer
ass crack is so difficult for us
ass crack is is like glass
ass crack is fryin'
ass crack is too narrow
ass crack is still wet
ass crack is all the rage
ass crack is dirty
ass crack is getting hairier all the time
ass crack is sore
ass crack is very uncomfortable
ass crack is anything particualrly new or exciting
ass crack is hot and wet
ass crack is full of long thick hair
ass crack is nasty
ass crack is very addictive
ass crack is smeared with brown streaks as it meets my lips
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
ass crack is my little brother

please pick and post your favorite ass crack for all of us to enjoy

2003-03-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

something about the way your ass munches in outerspace
i love the way your cock and balls flash in my face
your body is a piece of poop
your body is a piece of . . .i pooped on you
and if you want poop, then scrape it
and if you have to poop, then make it
your body is a piece of poop
your body is a piece of poop on my face

its not that its funny
its just that is sad
im not a bunny
and im not mad
but if you have to go
and step all over the floor
then come and jump on my face and slap a sausage here
then ill mace your ass until it bleeds and burn off all your ass hair
but enough bout that
cuz it aint fat
and it aint lean
its ground beef, extra large, extra juicy , large in charge
so i eat it, i ate i laughed and cried
i smacked and dacked
i grooved and moved
i slip it in the secret hole
where nobody goes
but everybody knows what goes
and on the flip, who what where why when
i dont have the answer
i barely question the I
but you know what i got, its fatter than a fro
its hotter than pop, more sticky than rice
it dont take a minute, its a man of men
its my bro, uncle ben
his brother cliff
there son , zelly
and my ass aint my belly

2003-03-16T07:23:00.000-05:00

DO THE BARTMAN

2003-03-16T06:41:00.000-05:00

we are the world we are the children... remember that song?

how about rico suave by gerardo?

or iesha by another bad creation?

or peaches by presidents of the united states of america?

or this used to be my playground by madonna?

or high enough by damn yankees?

or do the bart man by bart simpson?

2003-03-15T12:22:00.000-05:00

I am currently watching "Willy Wonka y La Fabrica de Chocolates." It is so much better in Spanish ont he Spanish channel that it ever was in america, or enlgish, whatever they call it. next thing you know i might move to a spanish speaking country to watch shows in spanish allthe time. feld sold 300 pet toys to larry rochkind last night after andy schwartz risuis ross made an analysis of the cost-function analysis of the toys. then, shap turned one of the pet toys into a bong and smoked out of it while been and wlat were dancing the hora on the side screaming "balls!" and "friday night i ask for penny." unfortunately, krieger was not present because he was praying at the shabbat.

2003-03-13T11:08:00.000-05:00

newsflash:
after learning his father's true identity through a cruel picture that has been circulating the net, taddy paddy asked his mother, david, to let him come to Venezuela. david and David thought it was a good idea and bought little taddy paddy a ticket. little did he know his parents were hatching a plan. upon arrival ni Caracas david picked up taddy paddy and promptly sold him to colombian guerillas for a pound of crack and a slice of cheese. soon after smoking the crack david and David conceived their second child, much in the same manner as the first one. Their new child is called Wade Titty and he looks like arnold schwarzeneger but like a baby with fur. at last report taddy paddy was turning tricks in the fields of africa. at last report Wade Titty was flogging the bishop.

2003-03-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

beaver and rock: you shouldve done it when you ahd the chance, see below:

For Openers
Kosher Red Hots Hit Campus
Karen Beth Schwartz /

There’s a new dog in town — and it’s kosher. A red and white umbrella reading “Hillel’s Kosher Hot Dogs” rolled onto East University in Ann Arbor one Friday in early February, making it the seventh hotdog stand on the University of Michigan campus.

U-M student Matt Holtzman, 25, currently mans the stand, which is open from noon to 2:30 p.m.

“I’m a vegetarian,” he said. “I don’t even eat hot dogs, but there was a need in the Jewish community for a kosher place to eat lunch, and I wanted to do my part to contribute. It’s a self-contained kosher eating facility.”

The Hillel-sponsored project was set in motion about two years ago by U-M student Nathan Gonik, 21, of Southfield. It now is serving up about 100 dogs a day to the campus community, which includes 6,000 Jewish students.

“Having a commercial food distributor is just showing that the community wants to support growth and have more for the Jewish people there, and when you look at a campus you look at what they have to offer,” Gonik said. “As one of the biggest Jewish campus communities, you expect to see something special from us, and now we have it.”

And hot dogs are just the beginning, Gonik said. “We will be serving chili, like the other vendors. We will also be serving soup eventually; that’s gonna be a big one. And there’s more to come.”

Offering hot dogs at $1 apiece and lunch combos with chips and pop for $2, Gonik said the goal is to be competitive with other hot dog carts and supply kosher food.

“We’re charging the same price as the other hot dog vendors but we’re selling a much more expensive hot dog. But it’s premium and something people will want to buy,” he said.

For Daniel Greenbaum, 20, the hot dog cart makes getting lunch lots easier. “I used to starve during the day, because there was nowhere on campus I could eat — I couldn’t make it to Hillel [for kosher meals] between classes. This is great, because I pass it on my way to class. It’s the perfect way to get lunch.”

While Greenbaum is a repeat customer drawn by the kosher hot dogs and a desire to support Hillel, some students, like Kristie Park, 20, are just checking out the new stand on the street.

“I just saw the stand — it wasn’t there before so I decided to stop by,” she said.

After biting into a hot dog, Park said she’d definitely tell friends to give it a try. “It’s tasty and cheap,” she said.

And a new name may be on the way for the stand. “Except for the copyright laws, I would like to have it be Nathan’s Kosher Hot Dog Cart of Ann Arbor, but I want Hillel to do whatever’s in its best interest. It’s their baby now,” Gonik said.

2003-03-12T05:59:00.000-05:00

interesting news.

was reading CNN.com and apparently the mother fucking (sorry) House of Reps has made a constitutional ammendment (well, not quite that) changing the name of French Fries to Freedom Fries (stupidest thing i've ever heard of)... who was the one who spearheaded such a horribly pathetic campaign you may be pondering now?????

NONE OTHER THAN, walter jones (never knew this guy existed) - Republican from North Carolina.

my damn namesake is disgracing me.

walt.

2003-03-11T08:24:00.000-05:00

as usual, feldo has displayed the ingeniousity of his mind that makes us love him.

2003-03-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

http://homepages.rootsweb.com/~afreeman/freemanr.htm

Look who is in the back row...5th from the left next to "joel the troll"

2003-03-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

walter has made his words! do i look most like bob barker, ricky martin, koo nimo, or desmond tutu? or as rochkind might say, desmond titty. or desmond howard. or kordell stewart. make love not love.

2003-03-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

um . . . who is this eager beaver. a few jewels. schwartzs nip ons. human flesh balls. ostrich. invite them just to remind us why we didnt invite them in the first place. lepelslut give me a lapdance. we're all a bunch of whores and beaver is the whoriest.

2003-03-10T05:15:00.000-05:00

i was driving through the deserts of namibia the other day... i saw nothing, no person for hours upon hours upon hours. it's wasteland and desolate.

then, out of nowhere, walking in the middle of nowhere was an african that looked just like . . .

bob barker meets joel snyder meets ricky martin meets koo nimo meets desmund tutu.

i kid you not, i kid you not.

2003-03-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

Beaver is back in the game!!! After a majorly disappointing post last week, he came back strong today. Who ever thought they would hear beaver say "If people are going to be drunk and die in our tub, then I want them to go out drinking good beer." One of the last things in the world I ever thought would come from the beav. Are we inviting the other Steve Krieger as well?

I think we have to commit to living out the movie Old School when we get to be 30. Rochkind--one guy sleeps with his boss' 18 year old daughter by accident. Since Beaver will be rich, he'll buy the house, since Rock will know all the drug lords from various countries, he will supply any drugs and alocoholic beverages. Since Fe;ld has dated every girl this side of Montana, he will provide the girls. And since I don't have much to offer I will bring humdick as well as a broken 13 inch televison. DOGGGGGGGGGGG

2003-03-09T13:32:00.000-05:00

Since when did we lower our standards to say that used edibles panties weren't allowed? What's the world coming to when we have to put restrictions on our edible panties?

2003-03-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

If G-wood had a hot tub there would literally be no reason to ever leave the apartmAent. The world would come to us. I bet the same people who thought that feld and rock were taddy paddy’s dad thought that the sun was the center of our solar system. I can’t think of one problem that the hot tub couldn’t cure. However, in order for the hot tub to be successful we’d need to have a few rules so we could all maximize the benefits:
1. Unlike car door handles, sides of houses, or the shower, there will be absolutely no tolerance for wizzing or pooping in the tub (this rule applies especially to Taddy Paddy and his parents—all three of you). I don’t care how bad you have to go or how many hours you’ve spent in the tub, so you don’t think you can move. There is no excuse for subjecting yourself or others to sitting in your excrement.
2. People (specifically girls) who would whine about the temperature, the noise, the bubbles, the strict minimal clothing rule, the food, or those who just generally whine a lot and piss us off will not be permitted. This is a tub of happiness and love and if you can’t contribute then you can’t join. In addition, at the entrance to the tub we’ll have a panel of judges from hot or not to ensure a certain entrance standard. We don’t want any accidents like rumple slut or L to the stocker to make appearances. Finally, we will all be granted 2 permanent vetoes regardless of what the panel says. I suspect one veto for be used for flub and another one will be used for worst—clearly the houses’ two least favorite people. I also propose a group veto for humle dick. Occasionally, we may allow past celebrities such as Rachel Green from friends or the Cuban boom boom to join for the night—so that we remember why they’re not invited in the first placed. We will also grant special VIP passes to former members including: Akeys, S-Azeskind, Jwohl. Although a former member, sschwart will certainly not pass the whining test.
3. Despite the rule against alcoholic beverages in these types of physical conditions, beverages will be encouraged. Much like the girls in the tub, we will not be serving shitty beer either. If people are going to be drunk and die in our tub, then I want them to go out drinking good beer. Unfortunately, my expertise is seriously lacking in this department so maybe I can be in charge of the pretzels. If there’s one thing I know, it’s pretzels. We’re going to have those big soft ones like at the ball game. Also on the menu will be Veggie Patch spinach nuggets, ostrich burgers, human flesh, savory waffles, chips and salsa, man cakes, and Seva’s curly fries. We will not permit smelly pork chops. The only meat available will be ostrich and human flesh balls.

Do you guys fully see the benefits here? This would allow Joel to do everything in his underwear, but we’d have to buy him a new pair of waterproof grandpa slippers. It would give a new name to Mr. Wrinkles as he’d be able to watch college sports, eat frozen dinners, and have meetings in the tub without leaving the tub for days at a time. Rochkind wouldn’t ever have to worry about finding a new place to take a date or missing the movie and getting yelled at because the tub will always be up and running.

However, I do have a few concerns that will need to be overcome: How is feld going to read his text books in the tub? Surely they’ll get wet and fall into the water. The temperature might evaporate walter jones’ body leaving only his hair b/c he’s little, Schwartz will be too scared of messing up his hair and letting people see his nipples.

While all the kinks aren’t worked out, I think this would be a great addition to 934.

2003-03-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

news alert: krieger is on life support. please send edible flowers to
David Rochkind
apartment with the american
Venezuela

i need food so make sure their edible. edible panties also accepted. as long as they have not been used.

2003-03-08T19:53:00.000-05:00

I just deleted my last post--5 minute rule...it was a mess, but I do have some good news: You can look forward to my next post entitled "What would happen if Greenwood had ___________"

i'm going to fix my life and i'll be back better when i'm in a more stable condition.
kriegs

2003-03-08T17:02:00.000-05:00

before i make my entrance into "CSI: Taddy Paddy's Daddy," I found an incredible website-- http://www.geocities.com/qualitylandscaping2001/home.html
It is from a 16-year old named Steve Krieger (no joke) who runs a landscaping business somewhere in NY state and claims to be "the best 16-year old landscaper in the world" Is Krieger living a dual life? Does he have a challenger not only for his namesake but also for his role in life? Could his first born have grown up faster than we all anticipated? Or is NY Steve Krieger the real beaver as well as Taddy Paddy's Daddy? Hmmm....

2003-03-08T09:29:00.000-05:00

a new agem to liven up tha wood. its like a murder mystery with no murder: WHO IS TADDY PADDY´S DADDY?
here is what we know, taddy paddy has two mothers(me and feld) , but no one ever bothered to ask who is daddy was. i know the answer. so does feld. but the rest of the world is dying to know. literally dying. have you seen the death rates in des moines? take my wife, please! who is the daddy. winner gets a large pizza from NYPD.

2003-03-07T22:46:00.000-05:00

incredible posts. my highlight are: beaver--not your best post, to be honest. rochkind--pizza, pizza, pizza. feld--"eggdish, dean".

i just saw "Old School". WOW. greatest movie of the past three years. I feel horrible that Rochkind won't get to see it, considering that it is about him (aka Will Farrell). I would honestly bootleg it and send it to him if A. i knew how to work a video camera, B. i knoew how to use the mail or C. they had mail in venezuela.

some lines that you will all appreciate after seeing it (my top 5):

1. You're my boy Blue!
2. Good stuff!
3. i cant think of any others cause i am dumba nd lazy but maybe later i will think of them or something

2003-03-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

T bear
hanging chair
mysterious bathroom hair
snyder, gare

Lepleslut
up the butt
krieger's nut
pizza hut

cuban boom boom
no more nap's in feld's room (that means you drock)
forgetting to groom (that means you drock)
go back to the womb (that means you drock)

rachel green
girls are her scene
paul matthew been
eggdish, dean

taddy paddy~tuddy puddy
boxer shorts are dirty and muddy
you're doing good buddy
elmer fudd(y)

2003-03-07T08:26:00.000-05:00

a few memories:

1)take of my clothes and feed me pretzels in my undies while i sprawl out on the stairs
2)im sorry that the remote control missed your head and hit the wall. im sorry its broken
3)throwing pizza at the windo
4)throwing open coke cans at the wall
5)peeing on car door handles
6)smashing a toaster oven against the garage next door
7)balloon fiesta
8)taking a nap underneat the nasty cushions of our couch
9)sucking on the vacuum cleaner
10)first time at mitches-10 shouts for everyone and exams for everyone the next day
11)blitz not tits
12)mario fart
13)cheddar chex mix all over my mouth and felds bed
14)seeing a naked flub running around the house
15)seeing me laying on the couch at 3:30am because I just cant bear to cuddle with whatever thing is in my bed
16)5th wheel
17)cranberry and barcadi O- the winning combination that was sure to make me do something done such as:
18)cavern club
19)the basement of cavern club
20)cavern club
21)pizza at in n out followed by pizza at
22)bella's nipples followed by pizza at
23)sgt peppers followed by
24)you're doin' good buddy(thumbs up)

reality shows arent real kireger? isnt my reality enough show

peace and tits. they go together like creaming in your pants

rock

2003-03-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

I get to get my game together and check "da wood" more often--that was some funny stuff. Especially the bunnies at chucky cheese, and the words that should go together section.

I found out some disturbing news earlier today. Although I was never a big fan of those dating shows, my friend's friend was on the show and said that the clips they show on TV aren't really true. They make the people say mean stuff even if they don't want to--just to keep things interesting. And I thought it was all real. I'm going back to my nieve world of living without that stupid stuff. I knew there was a reason why i never watched that garbage.

I know walter jones and he knows me
but no promises about him singing on key
Lucky for him, he's got crazy hair
about his voice people forget to care
Actually, I heard he was recently spotted at an African fair
In fact, it was because of him that they had it there

Rock-I was actually thinking about stealing all your stuff, then i asked myself what stuff do you have to steal? You only own four things and you took them with you to V-land. (V stands for Venezuela, Valentine, Valorie Malone--no not that--yes i'm talking to both of you and no that's not what I was referring to.)

2003-03-05T23:47:00.000-05:00

Rochkind Bachelor party. brilliance.
other great word combos that should go together...

Manute Bol vulva
Rabbi Pee Wee Herman
Taddy Paddy's mother
elimidate gare snyder

2003-03-04T20:06:00.000-05:00

your party=your choice. you can eat all the tofurkey thighs you want. we were thinking of renting out chuckie cheese and filling it with playboy bunnies and real bunnies. beaver will play most with the real bunnies, while shap cooks them for breakfast. schwartz and jonny t. will play with the playboy bunnies all night long.

2003-03-04T08:58:00.000-05:00

will there be donkeys involved? or only tofurkey boobs?

2003-03-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

feld and i came up with perhaps the funniest set of three words imaginable:
ROCHKIND'S BACHELOR PARTY
can you even imagine? definitely will be the craziest night of ym life, without a doubt. wow. im already looking forward to that day even if its not for another 27 years. itll be the greatest event of heathenism since rochkind went to south america for the 27th time.

2003-02-27T14:12:00.000-05:00

weekend update:

ill be in venezuela by sunday
new updates to the website, wildife is gone(sorry feld)
hope to be back by thanksgiving(wed at roosevelts)
im getting DSL and instant messenger in Caracas so everyone else should get it to. then we can play

call me. dont steal my stuff. i like stretch marks. must have a c-section scar.

2003-02-21T18:23:00.000-05:00

in a separate, non-related inquiry, i checked out who is walter jones on googlism. com. some highlights::

walter jones is following in the footsteps of jesse helms
walter jones is one of christ’s true believers in congress and i am honored to be able to work with him
walter jones is quiet and shy by nature
walter jones is a librarian
walter jones is a lonely inmate at ellis unit
walter jones is simply the best player on the team
walter jones is ready to do
walter jones is a blue collar worker
walter jones is back along the seahawks' front after a holdout
walter jones is a happy girl
walter jones is goin' to take some girl home because he was askin' his pa to close up

THESE ARE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE> ID LOVE TO MEET THIS WALTER JONES CHARACTER.

2003-02-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

So i did research on this "joshua" character (i typed in who is joshua on a google search. This is what came back. I think i now know who he is)

WHO IS JOSHUA ?
Si puslapi skaitykite lietuviskai

Joshua is an explorer.
Joshua will sometimes go by his nickname of "ILLINOIS".
Joshua is the author of several New Age books.
Joshua has personally seen a number of Crystal Skulls.
Another area of personal research and investigation that Joshua has been involved with includes the area of UFOs.
Joshua works with spiritual beings to help the Mother Earth move into an age of Peace and Beauty.

Joshua sounds like a wild ladie's man. Betcha he's bumping nasties as you read this. Bump jushua Bump!!

2003-02-21T08:50:00.000-05:00

who is this joshua kid who posted? joshua? huh?

2003-02-21T08:11:00.000-05:00

snow?

dear lord.

saw rochkind's photographs in newsweek international edition today. every women (and i must testify, they are the most beautiful in the world) in the western cape is lusting to be photographed by and to meet mr. rochkind himself.

none of you even know who i am, do you?

2003-02-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

Gentlemen,
My apologies for the prolonged absence. As I nearly killed blogger, I am here today, as an attempted savior. As the fine representative from boston eluded to earlier, I did have quite a weekend. It all started with about 3 feet of snow. It reminded me greatly of being engulfed by a room full of balloons--however, this time I was fortunate enough to keep all of my valuables in my possession. People told me that it doesn't snow or get cold in DC. 30's was as cold as it gets. The minute I show up, the wind starts whisling and the snow drops upon us like a bad case of the shits. It has been predicted that in the next few days, the snow shall melt and flash floods are going to be in effect as the sewer system backs up. Again, I can't help but notice the striking resemblence to the lower level toilet, which has been clogged by numorious residents and even one visiting ambassitoress.

As if it weren't bad enough to be drowning in snow, I'm basically treading water to save my life with a lovely lass. People say the best relationships start off when you're friends. I used to think it took a few months, or a few weeks to become friends. Apparently, the qualifications for being friends has been lowerd to, "Hi, my name is ________, great now we're friends." ONWARD she proclaims to better things. In order for you to avoid the same embarrassment I felt this past weekend by misreading the clues, allow me to share some events and advice from the peanut gallery. If any of these things, or a combination of these events occur, you've graduated to the next stage (for better or for worse):
1. You stop playing games when you're lying down with the lights off so she can ask you, "Do you think I'm pretty?"
1a. You're basically screwed. Anything you say is going to be turned against you in the court of love and you'll be lucky if you get any action for the next 6 months. I chose the "offended" reply [others suggested, "tilting your head to the right, and while smiling, tell her how beautiful she is"--that was too easy for me]
"If i wasn't attracted to you, then I why would I be here right now?"
"Because you want some action."
"Do you really think I'm the type of guy who just goes after girls to get some action?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? Do you have any other evidence that would support such a claim?"
"Well no."
"Infact, you could probably think of a number of events demonstrating the opposite."
"yes"
"So?"
"(shrug)"
2. She tells you that she's a private person and likes to keep her personal life to herself and then proceeds to explain that we're not going to have to reply to people because people aren't going to be asking questions about our relationship. (HINT: If you find your tongue in her mouth or her tongue in your mouth it's a safe assumption that you've made it into her personal life.) What should one do if questions are asked? Be vague or lie.
2a. People telling you to lie is not a good start to anything. Honestly, I can't think of one positive circumstance where lying is truely encouraged. I inquired about an alternate reply and she tells me,
"What's the big deal? People are either going to think that we're spending a lot of time talking or a lot of time with your tongue in my mouth."
This was a battle I knew i was going to lose, so I just retreated back to the safe territory of many many kisses.

I'm sorry guys, I'm having a difficult time breathing just writing this. I'm going to have to stop here. I never really thought I had asthma, but I think i got it now. I'm not really happy about this. This girl is the smoothest operator I have ever been involved with--no joke. I don't know how she does it, but she finds a way to get whatever she wants and I have almost no say in anything. It's really unbelievable. But thanks to encouragement from an undisclosed source, I'm going to attempt to hang in there and hopefully learn something...if it doesn't kill me first. Be prepared to send the search party.
kriegs
ps--this message with self-destruct in 48 hours...no joke. I know how it feels now.

2003-02-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

What's the matter with Schwartzy? He's a bum. bum bum bum bum!!! Joe Millionare will pick Sarah. In a twist, Paul the Butler will confess that he truly has $50 million and that the entire show has occurred in his mansion. He wil then give Sarah the opportunity to marry him. She does. Joe Millionare is made a weiner on national TV. That's MY prediction.
M Go Blue!!!

2003-02-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid tha' wood is on life support, and i have only one person to blame: ANDY SCHWARTZ. He keeps asking for access to the site and doesn't post. WTF? General Schwartzkopf has got to get his name up here sometime. And beaver Krieger was beavin it big time this weekend, so i expect the story to make it up on tha' wood. make some noise mothas. me, i am in the midst of a massive snowstorm, which closed down most of the city but there's still tv so i am ok. joe millionaire will pick sarah tonight. thats my prediction.

2003-02-14T18:51:00.000-05:00

ok--now i'm confused. #1, is rochkind in edmonton or in venezuela? or is edmonton IN venezuela? this is too confusing for me. just go back to huntington woods already. #2, is feld dating emmanuel lewis or an orthodox girl? or is emmanuel lewis AN orthodox girl? these things just keep getting more and more confusing. will feld's children be black, orthodox, or both? or will they be only 3 ft tall? some questions to ponder. oh, and one of my students today told me that i look like big bird.

2003-02-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

Upon hearing of the trade of Wayne Gretzky from Edmonton to LA, Canadian Parliament member Nelson Riis said the Canadian government should intervene: "Wayne Gretzky is a national symbol, like the beaver". Uh . . . did someone say beaver?

2003-02-13T11:56:00.000-05:00

"I don't know why it happens, what it is about me, but there's always a Manny sandwich when I hit the dance floor." EMMANUEL LEWIS (aka Webster) discussing his trend of dancing between two women on the WB'S The Surreal Life.

2003-02-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

back in venezuela through early next week. fyi.

2003-02-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

and now for my poem

coming back with diarrhea, though it may only be jello
a canuck is a flapping wagger whose hair is mighty yellow
feldo kicked a field goal and spanked sebastians ass
krieger licked and feeled a hole and put it in his pants
now joel is walking and talking just like joey from nkotb
and schwartz is melting in his hands and not in his mouth because he has to pee
and lead is heavy used in pencils number 2 and SAT
but thats enough and not for tough just because im Eazy-E

2003-02-10T13:31:00.000-05:00

DancingBush.com

Classic! For all you liberals.

-PB (lead on the periodic table)

2003-02-09T13:06:00.000-05:00

I decided this blogger needed a poem from me
Rochkind on a car door handle once made a pee
Been wore the clothing of the girl called Sari
Schwartz went to boys town smiling with glee
Joel tested posted for having A.D.D.
Krieger would only eat out if the meal was free
Shady Walt is currently in Turkey?
I had a hampster they all called Murphy
"Let it Be"

The wood is back! Much like the Vancouver Canucks. What is a canuck?

2003-02-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

tha' wood is back! after a week's hiatus, it seems to be coming back into vogue. and now that we got schwartz on board, its gonna get out of hand. things i learned yesterday:

1. a nameless ex-girlfried of a nameless pet salesman still thinks that they will be sharing a last name later in this lifetime. that's a doozy, considering a nameless latin american ex-roommate of mine also expects to be married to that same nameless kitty litter lover.

2. beaver krieger has lived in Washington DC for more than 6 months and has NEVER eaten at a restaraunt there. perhaps the most amazing fact i have ever heard. NOT ONE RESTAURANT! he is amazing man with an amzing apetite for mancakes and water.

3. rochkind lives in what country? what city? what planet? please write if you know.

4. rumor has it stout, risuis, ross has added a new partner to balance out the "Rs" and "Ss" in there name. Welcome To "Schwartz, Stout, Risuis, and Rochkind"

2003-02-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am back. Sorry I have not posted in some time. I have had the flu the last week and have spent a majority of my time in the John recently. How is everybody? GO BLUE! Hope everybody had a great weekend. I'll be back w/ poetry soon.

2003-02-08T00:07:00.000-05:00

Balls. This website is incredible. Just read all the shit. When did Krieger get so funny? Have a tight weekend dudes.
ahs

2003-02-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

news flash: rochkind back in the country thursday night; in miami over the weekend; in michigan next week;

2003-01-31T15:54:00.000-05:00

"the wity steven krieger, or childishly bizarre david rochkind, or mystifying david feld, or the poetic yet unnerving joel snyder"

perhaps walters greatest quote ever.

2003-01-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

OK...so Rochkind might be in Venezuela.
Walter might be off to Africa.
Feld and Krieger might be at synogague.
Been might be in Farmington Hills.

But me, me! Where I am going tonight?

I AM GOING TO SEE THE PISTONS PLAY! YES, THATS RIGHT. GO STONES. V. CELTS. its gonna be incredible. i knwo you are all jealous. walter. call a doll. where are you all going and what are you alldoing? whats the deal with the seal? i am in high school again its amazing. and walt--great post. do you think our dick cheney is reading this right now? or at least manuel noriega.

2003-01-31T08:34:00.000-05:00

um . . .what? im in venezuela. it is wierd.

2003-01-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

... i'm still confused about this whole "blogger" thing. so, pretty much, the point is that you guys (you guys being YOU, who are older [than i], friends of joel snyder) and maybe even me (whom you guys just know as that lil' goofy white kid with dreadlocks who hung around 934 greenwood every now and again the past few years --- by the way, you'd all be happy to know that next year i'll be inhabiting 934 greenwood) can post messages.... and the only reason this is different than just having a lil' e-mail group, is that by posting it to the web, although it may take more time, we feel important - like what we are saying is (or at least has the potential to) reaching hundreds of millions, maybe even billions of people. and these hundreds of millions or even billions of people, each man, woman, child, will cling on to every word we write. each one of these countless millions will individually and independently sign on to blogger "tha' wood" hoping, maybe even downright praying, that the wity steven krieger, or childishly bizarre david rochkind, or mystifying david feld, or the poetic yet unnerving joel snyder, amongst others - may have graced their presence with yet another stroke of genius written on "tha' wood". these thoughts that are shared on "tha' wood", they are so deep and provoking, yet humorous, that this reader (who again is amongst millions or even billions) is terminally more open to the world in which he or she lives. an example. instead of repeatedly beating his 9 year-old child, who has a 5 inch nappy tail hanging from his otherwise short hair, with an old, worn, brown belt with the intials RIP sketched into it every night - PERHAPS, this particular man thinks of rochkind's post on blogger that night, and instead embraces his young, hickish child - recalling "i pooped my pants. im sorry feldo. im so sorry for pooping my pants..." . this, my friends, is the purpose and inherent genius behind "tha' wood", right? good - just wanted to make sure.

see you in africa,

Walter

2003-01-29T23:12:00.000-05:00

So a funny thing happened last night. I'm at shul doing some learning and it's time for the evening prayer so some peeps are filing in. Eventually this older fellow (maybe 65 or so) named Shalom David walks into shul with his black hat and all, but he was wearing a grey hooded nike sweatshirt with the swoosh right below his chin. Seriously, I couldn't help but think...

2003-01-27T13:50:00.000-05:00

i pooped my pants. im sorry feldo. im so sorry for pooping my pants.

2003-01-26T12:34:00.000-05:00

Did anyone notice the word "tzit-tzit" is much funnier if you remove the letter z?

2003-01-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

As you all know, the jewish world is small, so let me share the rumors flying around shul this past weekend:

1. A gentlemen in his early twenties was seen talking with presidential hopeful Senator Joe Lieberman. Our hidden cameras (yes, we used the cameras in shul on shabbas--we know we're in big trouble) heard him wish the senator a "good shabbas." But, then something wierd happened. The fellow apologized "for 2 weeks ago" and leaned in very close to the senator to explain further. Our microphones weren't sensative enough to pick up the exact words, but our sources close to the senator told us that the young man explained to the senator that he was sorry for calling him Congressman 2 weekends ago as he was leaving shul. Apparently, at the sight of the Senator, his tongue got tied, and he felt so bad when he said "good shabbas congressmen" that he made it appoint to apologize to the senator and wish the SENATOR a good shabbas this weekend. The senator smiled and laughed it off. The gentlemen felt a lot better and went along happily.

2. A rekindled commitment to Judaism was reported after a terrible bought with the pukes and the shits. A former BBYO super duper president, leader, role-model, international thingy-majingy swore to G-D that he would do anything if the shits and pukes just stopped. Rumor has it that the heavens rejected his wish on the basis of credibility due to previously unfullfilled promises including:
-never again to cook food after undercooking his 8th consecutive meal
-never watching another uofm basketball game after the team lost to oakland and western
-never reading another book for class when he gets A- on papers due to proofreading issues (nothing to do with the fact that he make up the entire paper without so much as reading 4 pages on the book as one might think)

2003-01-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

my contribution before the contribution. i will attempt to make this one coherent but as we all know, it may not be so fooshy-foosh.
in honor of beaver's male nipples and joel's puke-shit-puke, no puke-shit-shit-puke-puke, i will list away

1) sebastian JANAkowski has the worst field goal percentage made in the nfl. 0/32. But on shabbat it goes up and on mitzvah day hooray. in addition janakowski has made 3 td saving tackles in the last week

2) i am whatever you say i am if i wasnt then whay would i say i am in the papers the poops everyday i am, radio wont even scoop my ass

3) who?

4) the hills are alive but the mountains are dead. look at my bosom, there not mountains. im humble. pie anyone?

5) one day i will be a grown up . for now i want to break down felds door, sleep undeneath the cushions of our sofa , throw pizza at the wall, smash toaster ovens on the cement and pee on cars.

6) any questions?

7) i have a question. what is a frumpydoo?

2003-01-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. Some good stories:

1. I woke up and broke a glass bottle on the kitchen floor. I contemplated pulling "a Shap" and simply covering it with a plate, and leaving it for 2 weeks. I thought the roommates wouldn't really like that. (schwartz, if you've learned to use the internet yet, you'd realize this is a sign of how different my apartment is than yours)

2. I got really drunk last night. It was my friend's birthday and he puked at the bar. I got jealous. So this morning I pulled my usual 8:30 wake-up, and puked it. About 6 times. The bad kind of puke, too. It was incredible. And between each puke, I took a shit too. I felt like the man everytime I puked it. What did I drink? About 4 beers, and three mixed drinks and a nasty shot. That's what Rochkind used to drink before we'd start pre-partying for the night.

3. The toilet is broke at my apartment. And the sink too. At first I thought the sink was clogged because i shaved about 3 lbs of hair off my face yesterday, but then i realized that couldn't be. I do that every week. The pipes are as frozen as frozen sausage. RAW AS A DOG.

4. I didnt have shit to do today so I sat around all day and felt hungover. It was great. Then I undercooked soup and ate it cold. Then I talked to Rochkind about "Beast"--ask feldo for details of the beast.

5. Party tomorrow night at my place!! Koob is driving overnight from detroit to come. Daniel Cohen came in from NYC. its gonna be A BUSHDOG if i've ever seen one! tight tight tight. weenie--you shoulda come. we're gonna get drunk and act stupid. andd then i get to start high school all over again on monday! think i'll do better this time than last time? oh, and i wrote a letter to the edior of the ny times today and made fun of william f buckley mostly cause he is old and white. i hope to not be white when i am old.

of course, i forgot most of the good stories cause i am stupid. ok.

2003-01-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

Weenie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-01-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

HAVE YOU ALL GIVEN UP ON THA' WOOD? CMON NOW. HOOBASTANK AND CHRISTMAS ARE GOOD TOPICS, SANTA CLAUS AND MATH CLASS ARE NOT. THERE YOU GO...

2003-01-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

I just returned (mildly drunk, mind you) from a bar watching the mighty MICHIGAN WOLVERINES win another big ten game w ellman smellman. incredible. that alone made my night.

When I walked in and thought of the weblog, I quickly went to look to find the GREATESTall time posts ever. thank you my friends. beaver, suck my cock. and im not 14. but i act like it! feldo baruch shema adonai. (that means god loves you in hebrew). i want to be one of the fifty women. marry me feldo.

dance tomorrow ill write then.

2003-01-22T18:37:00.000-05:00

From the creators of Joe Millionare.......

WHO IS OUT FOR LOVE?
WHO IS IN IT FOR RELIGION?
THE ANSWERS WILL BE REVEALED ON FOX'S NEW REALITY SHOW "DA-VID MELECH"

THURSDAYS 10PM/9C ON FOX

Romance and reality intertwine as 50 orthodox women travel to Chicago, IL for a whirlwind romance with David E. Feld, a handsome man whom they think is an orthodox jew. What will happen when the truth is finally revealed that he is a just a regular "David" and that he does not even know what religion means? Will his true love accept him for who he is, or reject him in search of greener pastures? As this handsome, young, eligible man begins his search for "The One," he discovers which of these women are out for true love and which are just interested in his religious beliefs. This new, thirteen-episode, unscripted drama series comes from the creators of the hit series "Kiss Me I'm Krieger and Where in the World is Benito Santiago?."

2003-01-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

Krieger - incredible post.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a
computer?

A: A computer that never goes down on you.

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts
raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you
going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground,
and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

2003-01-22T17:33:00.000-05:00

So listen to this: I work for Panim el Panim, which is a jewish organization that brings in jewish high school kids to DC for the weekend for them to experience policy with a jewish tint to it. So, my job is to watch other college kids who watch these kids from 9:30pm to 9am. Night shift rules! So, we all get to sleep in a hotel and chill together. Needless to say, when you get together a bunch of boys and girls from highschool in the same hotel late at night it's going to get a little out of control...whole thing kinda reminds me of DECA nationals in Denver. Actually, this was the exact same thing (only, i was the one waking up the adults instead of the adults being woken up because of peeps in my room who were dying for birthday cake?). Been-I can't believe you told the volunteer that you were going to have him fired when he was going to get us in trouble...you can't fire volunteers (and yes i do remember the laudry van it was a very scary day).

Notable quotes from the seminar:
Me: "Guys, you got to respect the other guests staying in the hotel and keep it down."
Short puny, pre-pubesent kid talking to me: "you want to suck my dick?" (imagine an 11 year body with the mind of a 16 year old...would anyone really want to suck his dick--let alone me?)
Me: "Do you really want me to?"
(This was followed by him excitingly approaching me with his hands on his belt and when he got close enough i picked him up with one hand and body slammed him)

One of the college kids working with me: "we should just line up bull dozers and push all the palestinians into the sea and kill them all."
college kid 2: "you can't just kill all the palestinians--you racist."
1: "i'm not a racist."
2: Why do you want to kill all the palestinians?
1: Because they're palestinian.

"let me tell you the best kept sexual secret...the male nipple. The nipple is an amazing discovery. Once you master the nipple, you master sex. May i suggest a clothes pin?" -AIDS speaker

Teacher chaperone: "I heard that in some middle schools the sex is so prevalent that girls are being given a dollar for blow jobs in order to see how many they can give and those girls who aren't being asked are starting to feel really bad about themselves because they think the guys want them."
Student (picture a 6 foot 200 lbs monster with the brain of an 11 year old): "Where can i enroll?"

The following ideas were shared with me regarding chanukah after the reconstructionalist jews told me that the jews i hang out with have brainwashed me and this is the way it's really supposed to be:
-the oil miracle never happened. it was all made up by rabbis at about the same time that the newer jewish movements were formed (now who sounds brainwashed to you?)
Why do we eat potato pancakes? I don't know. Why is chanukah 8 days? I don't know? Why are you talking out of your ass? I don't know.

I think that's enough for one post...happy reading and remember that the hormones have more power than the mind when you're watching little bratty kids. They can only be overpowerd by the nipple.

I'll leave you with a question to ponder: Why do people have this incredible need to always feel like they're in control of every situation by talking and talking and talking some more about absolutely nothing; regardless of whether or not they have any knowledge about the issue? Just shut the fuck up and say you don't know.
Peace out from DC

2003-01-22T11:26:00.000-05:00

Is this Joel? http://www.opus1.com/jms
Joel Snyder is a senior partner with Opus One, a consulting firm in Tucson, Arizona...

2003-01-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

walt comes through again.

shake, shake, shake your body
lets have a good time tonight
its time for HIGH LIFE
ladies and gents prepare yourself
lets have a good time tonight.

eminem performed at touchdowns. schwartz, are you alive?

2003-01-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

Friday night you asked for penny, saturday i gave you dollar. . .
When I come you say you're sick, When I go you say you're well.

2003-01-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

Feldo dances as he goes to sleep,
Hoping for another to take a peek.
But baby horses don't live in the Chicago town
And Feldo wakes up with another frown.
Cats and dogs and monkeys are his job,
He'll have to be amused by the oven knob.
He misses Beaver we all know its true,
Schwartz just isnt the same kind of Jew.
Lonely nights watching Joe Millionaire
And in the bathroom gelling his hair.
He needs to act normal or the local folks will find him out
And then he'll be evicted without a shout
No more dogs, no more cats to feed and love
No more ladies who look like a dove.
Feldo's reign is like a monkeys breath
Cool calm and collected but with some zest.
His nights are spent looking at Monkey Hot or Not
And he wants to chill on Schwart'z future yacht.
This poem's for Feld but for all to see
At the Zoo or Pet Store is where he'll be.

2003-01-21T08:54:00.000-05:00

not that buddha licks the kicks but i dont think the main reason is so full of stuffed shirts and scarecrows. ya' know?

2003-01-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

http://www.phenry.org/50states/index.html

2003-01-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

snyadaaaaaaaaaa -

what is this shady-as-can-be website you signed me up for?

and to feld, in reference to your "Or is one person so coked out that they think we are the 24th best team in the NCAA? " - doesnt joel's brother vote on such things? just wondering.

- walt

2003-01-20T18:28:00.000-05:00

From today's AP Top 25 (Jan 20-Jan 26):
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES
Syracuse 123, Butler 94, Xavier 91, Iowa 81, St. Joseph's 63, LSU 36, Texas Tech 28, Cincinnati 28, Dayton 22, Memphis 11, Stanford 10, Purdue 9, Tulsa 9, North Carolina 6, Gonzaga 6, Fresno State 5, Wisconsin 5, Michigan 2, Villanova 2, Virginia 1, Holy Cross 1, Kent State 1.

Two people actually think we're good enough to be #25 in the nation? Or is one person so coked out that they think we are the 24th best team in the NCAA? Either way...It's Great to be a Michigan Wolverine

2003-01-20T09:57:00.000-05:00

Recent email seen in the Boston area from snyder_joel@hotmail.com:

hello:

we're gonna have a little party at our place this saturday night and
hopefully we'll see all of you there! come anytime after 9 or so, tell
your friends (esp. ones i know and couldn't figure out their email addresses)
and throw back a few drinks. come remember those college days and get
sloppy drunk OR act mature and talk about what time you have to wake up the
next day--you can do EITHER at our party! yes, i know its amazing, we'll see
you there!

WHO: Joel Snyder, Jessi Auerbach, Kim Schultz
WHERE: 115 1/2 Hampshire St #3, Cambridge (Hampshire and Columbia)

2003-01-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

From the Notes in the recap on Yahoo of the Raptors/Magic game today:

"Former Blue Jay Jessie Barfield watched the game from a courtside seat"

1. does anyone give a fuck about jessie barfield? in the whole world?
2. is that possibly the worst last name ever?
3. when hanging out with kelly gruber, another former blue jay, Jessie and Kelly sounds suspiciously like my roommates, Jessi and Kim. Perhaps in another life, they were?
4. Who do they sound MORE like? You got it: JESSIE SPANO AND KELLY KAPOWSKI.
5. this is a pretty boring football game, i'd rather watch the michigan basketball team run wind sprints.

2003-01-19T17:04:00.000-05:00

Good design, Joel. Go Tampa!

2003-01-19T15:05:00.000-05:00

Beener--glad you've found your way. Blog is incredible. I love it. Did you guys notice the new design I made it in? Good or bad? ____ and orange juice. All i got to say is this: hiawatha santana is the woogle boogle standard doogle.

2003-01-19T14:24:00.000-05:00

http://www.hampsterdance.com/hampsterdanceredux.html

Turn up the sound and dance the night away

2003-01-19T14:23:00.000-05:00

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

Turn up the sound!!!!

-PB

2003-01-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

Weenie here for the first time. Thanks for setting this up, Joel. Some memories:
1) Krieger - Remember when we tossed snowballs at cars and one time (at band camp) we hit a laundry van and the dude stopped and chased us?
2) Feld - remember when we were watching the Spice Network at your Valley Forge house and I had to go to the bathroom...
3) Remember when Aly Weinick said "I gotta go to the bathroom."
4) Tits and Jammer, MC Hammer
5) Remember when Ryan Stone put magic ink in Krieger's eyes?
6) Remember when Hi Hidieki was at a 532 Elm party. It was 2am and he was the last person there. I asked him how he was going to get home. He said that the bus to north campus was no longer running for the night and he would sleep at the Fishbowl. It sounded like this was not the first time he had done this. Bye Hideki.

2003-01-19T11:41:00.000-05:00

In response to FELDO:

1. Screech Powers any day of the week (especially tuesday)
2. YAO MING YAO MIGN YAO MING YAO MING
3. I would love to be Fed Savage, who is 2 ft 9 inches
4. Barry "Mr. Wrinkles" White

Beaver. Amazing post. May your spinach nuggets reappear and your love for syracuse quickly morph into one for the hottest team in basketball, Horton's Who's. (yes, feld, i stole your joke again)

"work like you don't get paid, dance like nobody's watching, and take a shit with the bathroom door open" --dick cheney

2003-01-19T01:04:00.000-05:00

I should have known it was going to be a bad night when...
1. I'm waiting 15 minutes for ESPN to update the last 24 seconds of the pistons game b/c of the last second shot troubles
2. I walk out of the house without my wallet or ID
3. I get into the bar and order a water (when there's a 15 dollar minimum)
4. I don't have any veggie patch spinach nuggets
5. 'Cuse lost to Pitt
6. Agassi is on ESPN2, but the live coverage ends 5 minutes before he goes on.
Since none of these things has probably happened to you here are some alternate things that might have happened to you on a saturday night...
1. "I say jonny what you doing tongiht, he looked me with a face full of fright and i said how 'bout a revolution"
1.5 Feed screaming babies pretzels
2. Smashing bats with tennis racquests
3. Blockade your door so your roommate can't break it down
4. Drag someone across the floor into his bed cause he can't get up and walk himself
5. Explain to your friends that "she really wasn't that bad" (this may have happened to you several times depending on who you are and what semester we're talking about)
6. Duck from flying remote controls or flying phone books

2003-01-18T21:35:00.000-05:00

Would you rather be:
Screech Powers or a fudgesicle?
Yao Ming or Weird Al Yankovich?
Ralph (from the Simpsons) or Fred Savage?
2 feet 9 inches or 9 feet 2 inches?
Barry White or the Rally Monkey?
Nicknamed "The Sausage King" or "Mr. Wrinkles"?

2003-01-18T17:50:00.000-05:00

How about those michigan hoopers? (no relation to hooper the pooper) they're incredible HORTON hears 22 whos. SHERROD HARRELL is getting married to j-lo. most importantly, i heard they're sending GRONINGER down to the minor leagues, also known as AZAA. 1st place baby

2003-01-18T12:29:00.000-05:00

http://modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/monkey/

2003-01-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

Welcome to tha' wood! The new weblog for people. People who care about David Feld. Its a place where you can write what you want about anything--feldo's balls, rochkind's temper tantrums, shap's microwave sausages and krieger's beavers. Or about Schwartz's left pinky finger. The finer things in life. Hope to see you soon.